goodbye 2017 (and why I don't make new years resolutions)

2017 was a big year; challenging and, at times, often crippling. It was hard and I am not sad to see it end. However, as we know... challenge means change, and change means growth, and we all need to grow a little, right?! So I'm not writing this year off as a failure, I am acknowledging it as a year of growth, of learning and of character-building.

Let me make a list. I love me a good list...or two.

the delightfully bright high's of 2017

- I got to live in the country I adore for another year.
I could talk for days about this and how blessed I am to be here....but I won't.

- even more beautiful people entered my life.
This always surprises me - just when I think I couldn't love any more than I already do, I meet more people to share my heart with. These range from children at school, to new additions at the children's home, to friends and their partners in our community.

- I began teaching a new year level.
This has meant developing my skills and building whole new skill sets into my career, and has also meant that I get to spend my days with 13 curious, life-loving and sweet five year olds who I have come to know inside and out.

- Izzy and I have remained 100% committed to our fight for adoption.
The fire in our bellies and the grace in our hearts to make domestic adoption available for New Zealander's living abroad has not wavered at all, and for this I am eternally grateful.

- spending Christmas with our Singaporean family.
It was under very unfortunate circumstances that we had to go there, but it was so lovely to spend loads of time with our family over the 10 days we were there, including a spontaneous trip to Indonesia.

- continued relationships.
I am a strong believer in only needing a small circle of people who truly and deeply love you and care about you, rather than a large circle of people who enjoy your company every once in awhile. I'm so blessed to have a strong circle of people surrounding me, constantly willing to go deeper in our connections, and who have been there through all of the bumps and bends in the road this year.

the low's (which often felt like utter darkness)

- we made very little progress in our adoption battle.
Almost three years in, and this remains a very thankless task. This has brought with it some dark moments in our marriage.

- my health.
From fighting off viruses, to contracting Influenza-A, to horrifyingly painful hospital procedures which also resulted in finding lumps on my cervix and ovaries (girls, please get your checks regularly!) As someone who only needs, on average, 2 sick days each year, purely for my mental health rather than my physical health, this has been a total shock to the system. It has also brought down to earth the fact that I am undoubtedly getting older. Sad face.

- school has been hard this year, really really hard.
It's not just starting a new grade level, but all of the complications that come with being a part of a workplace, and with finding it difficult to shut off all that's been happening in my personal life this year, when walking through the gate each morning.

- the loss.
Oh my, the loss. This has been hard. 2017 took from us a number of people - both those who passed away and those who chose to walk away.

Nan: we think about you every single day and we have not stopped living out your legacy of love. We are so thankful for all you touched, and for the ways that you have weaved love into our family.

Rat: sweet boy, our hearts break for you everyday - for all that you were becoming, and for the hole you've left behind in our Camillian family.

Uncle Mike: you left so soon, and we are all grieving your loss still, but we're thankful that we got a chance to say goodbye, and to be with our family at such a tragic time.

Coming into a new year, those of you who know me well know that I don't make 'New Years Resolutions.' I'm all for making changes to better ourselves, but my personal growth does not sync to a calendar - it syncs to my heart, and how present I am to it. So why wait until the 1st of January each year (or next Monday, or next month) to decide to make a change?

Instead, something I've been doing for a number of years has been to set a word to keep me present. Words of the past have been newness, kindness, generosity, faith, and intention. 2018's word is softness. I feel as though the trials and tribulations of 2017 have hardened my usually very soft heart. I don't want the world to make me hard, because one of my very favourite things about myself has always been my softness and my sensitivity; it's what enables me to love others so fully. So, I'm going to focus on bringing a sense of softness back to my heart, including softness in the ways that I treat myself.

Ironically, this time last year I wrote a blog post welcoming in 2017, and my word was intention. I wanted to love, give, lead and serve with intention because I was known for giving away everything I had, leaving me with everything to lose. And now, at the end of the year, I am in the opposite predicament - I am not giving enough of my heart, because it is too hard and stony to open up right now. The beautiful thing about this, though, is that God knows my heart and where it's at, and when I'm ready, he will reach right in and (quite possibly, very painfully) tear out that heart of stony flesh and replace it with a heart of pure grace.

And that is when I will find true softness.

Peace out, 2017.

2018, I have high hopes for you!